Eps 136: you can't make that right with me
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| Host image: | StyleGAN neural net |
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| Content creation: | GPT-3.5, |
Host
Heather Johnston
Podcast Content
You cannot be around your partner the whole time, and this can be incredibly difficult. You need both of you wanting the same kind of relationship, and being in the right place to have that relationship. You are in the same emotional frequencies, which means that you are looking for the same kind of relationship at the same time, and both are committed to doing the work necessary for that relationship to be successful.
When both people know what they want in a relationship, and are comfortable talking about their needs, fears, and desires, this builds trust and cements a connection between you. By dropping any pretenses, you encourage the other person to do the same, which can result in an honest, more fulfilling relationship. By falling in love with yourself, you naturally become the best possible version of you for the person who happens to be falling for you. Look, the best thing you can do, from my perspective, is to find the person who loves you exactly as you are.
It can be quite difficult to express all you feel for this person and for your relationship. Everyone has faults, and in order for the relationship to be lasting, you want to be loved by someone who loves you for who you are, and not who they wish you were, or who they think you should be. If you are unaware that there is a difference--and do not feel the same about your significant other--then you are not with the right person.
If you feel like you are the only person contributing to the relationship, then you are likely correct. When the right people are doing it, you will never feel as if they are telling you what to do or interfering with your affairs...you are simply happy. They are willing, as much as it takes, to help you through your eccentricities.
You simply tell them a few things, in part because you know that the person in question will get it...but also because you believe you will work past any initial miscommunication. They will take that to mean how you are talking, not what you are talking about. We all screw up sometimes, but toxic people are going to make sure that you know.
While there is a glory in knowing that you are right, there is a maturity to being sorry in the middle of a dispute, which is less about you than it is about the person you are fighting. Knowing when it is inappropriate to apologize may repair the damage done to your relationships by making mistakes or acting without thinking. Apologizing can be difficult, even when you truly regret making an error or inflicting pain on someone. Taking ownership of your actions Acknowledging your mistakes can go a long way to helping you communicate remorse, but do not stop there.
Understand the reason why you are apologizing To give a good apology, you first need to get a good idea of what went wrong. Recognizing the differences between an explanation and an excuse can help you to deliver a far more genuine and effective apology.
In fact, studies show that making an apology when you turn down someone may actually cause him or her to feel worse. When you recognize this, it becomes much easier to make a choice to show empathy rather than taking the partners complaints personally and protecting yourself. Your best friend deserves a chance to share his or her feelings, so acknowledging the effect of your mistakes usually involves a little bit of empathic listening.
When you assume responsibility for a partners feelings, or you take messages personally, you are blaming and being judged. When someone tells you have hurt them, you are not free to say that you have not. You cannot force anyone to trust you, respect themselves, or accept responsibility - because the means that you used to do so destroyed trust, respect, and accountability.
You donat want to push somebody over or convince somebody that there might be a relationship on the table when there is no chance. While your dating partner might tick all of those boxes, relationship coach Shula Melamed points out that being incredibly attached to someone is not always enough for a relationship to work. The key here is communication, said Melamed, and being honest, straightforward, and realistic about what you are capable of offering to one another in the moment.
By holding that information back, you are giving your best friend an opportunity to make a well-informed relationship decision. If the right person feels that you have the better point of view, then they are confident enough to graciously back off...because ultimately, they feel that you are in it together. When you are with the right person, you will witness living proof that forgiveness can be sacred...but forgetting can be even more sacred. The process of forgiveness may take time, and you may have to put in a little work, such as making amends and dealing with problem behaviors, in order to earn it.
If a relationship is starting to hurt your mental health, or you feel like you are being pushed, shamed, or pulled over to make it work, then it might be time to leave. Some people cannot take pleasure, and some people are not going to do right by you -- and a lot of times, that is not going to be about you. You will find yourself justifying your tone, your gestures, your choice of words, or how your stomach moves as you breathe - this does not even need to be sensible.